When you move to a new place, become widowed or divorced, or quit a job where you had close contacts, it can be daunting to meet new people to take the place of the intimate relationships you have lost.

There are three different subjects here—how to meet people you like, how to begin to have regular contact, and how to develop real, “attached-at-the-heart” friendships. This  article is about the first two subjects: how to meet women who might become friends. For an exploration of the deeper psychological aspects of friendship, see Living a Connected Life.

Meeting People

This issue is addressed at UnconventionalWoman.com with the friend-finder profile, which gives you a simple way to find others who have similar needs and interests. Wonderful as the web can be as a method of connecting with people, it’s also important to have “face time” with intimate friends where you live. These relationships can become more than virtual if you act to make it happen

The beginning of the solution is realizing that you need to be proactive. People are not likely to come looking for you - they are already in a web of relationships, they are preoccupied with their lives, and they don’t know you are lonely.  They feel more comfortable catching up with the people they already know. You can’t take it personally - you probably have behaved in exactly the same way when you felt secure in your friendships. It is a rare person in a group who deliberately makes the rounds of the people who are standing alone! If you can become the one who does that, you can be sure of having some interesting conversations with new people.

"Proactive" means you may need to have a strategy, and then set the aside time to pursue it, just like looking for a job or shopping for the right item. Some of these things will seem so obvious - just be sure you are actually doing those so-obvious things!

If you are starting over because your partner has died, there are several websites where you can connect with others:
http://www.widownet.org/,  written for an by widows, http://www.griefnet.org, which is a more general support site for people dealing with death or loss. Many cities have support groups as well. See also Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends.

If you are newly-divorced, most cities have divorce support groups run by therapists which you can find by checking the Yellow Pages, calling community mental health centers, and asking around.  DivorceCare is one of the largest companies running support groups, which are non-denominational but church-supported and ultimately religious in nature. http://www.equalityinmarriage.org/wdjoin.html lists a lot of divorce resources.

1)  The first thing to remember, as Barbara Feldon (Living Alone and Loving It) points out, is that all human contact counts. The clerk in the store, the waitress, or the person standing next to you in line can be the unexpected source of a warm exchange. It may never lead to anything more - or, if it is a place you frequent regularly, the contact could become a friendly feature in the landscape of your day.

If you observe people who are good at striking up a conversation, you’ll see they act outgoing - they don’t worry about being rebuffed. They often choose something interesting about the other person to comment on, like their unusual name, trying to guess the provenance of an accent, something the person is wearing, or expertise the person has just shown. Then they follow up with attention on what the person says and ask another question. The key is actually getting interested in the people around you and focusing your attention on them.

2)  Often there is some reason you moved to that place - a job, a school you are going to attend. Your colleagues or fellow students are your first resource. You need to make the effort to meet everyone and see if anyone clicks. Again, don’t expect others to make the overtures just because you are the new person - if you appear basically competent and together, they may assume you are completely self-sufficient.

If you are a single woman, especially at a new job, if you are straight, you are probably aware that there may be real prejudice against single women. Even the most platonic “advances” made to men can be interpreted in ways that can cause you trouble unless you know the lay of the land.

3)  In a place where you are not connected, it’s easier to meet and get to know other people who are also new in town than people who grew up there or are completely established. Many places have newcomer clubs—you can find many club listings in your area in the US and many other countries at http://www.newcomersclub.com/.

4)  The Red Hat Society, a national organization of women over 50,  http://wwww.redhatsociety.com/ also has local groups.

"The Red Hat Society began as a result of a few women deciding to greet middle age with verve, humor and elan. We believe silliness is the comedy relief of life, and since we are all in it together, we might as well join red-gloved hands and go for the gusto together. Underneath the frivolity, we share a bond of affection, forged by common life experiences and a genuine enthusiasm for wherever life takes us next." 

5)  If you are in any kind of business, there are many business and professional clubs.  A search engine search like “professional women's clubs + your state” or  “women’s business clubs + your state” will bring up listings. Or if you are a mom, search under "mother's clubs + your state".

6) Interest groups are another place to look for friends. Reading groups sponsored by libraries or bookstores, a class in something you have always wanted to pursue, activities through your local health food store or co-op, political action groups, local politics or a carefully chosen volunteer activity may put you in contact with those who have similar interests. Yoga, dance, or exercise classes might be useful in this regard, as well as being good for you! Meetup.com is a great place to find local interest groups.

7)  You can also initiate activities for the purpose of meeting others who might become friends.  If you are a walker or a runner who likes company you might advertise around your neighborhood for people to walk with, or print out on cards with your phone number or email address that you want exercise partners, and pass them out to everyone you meet. Even if you are shy, when you really want something, it’s easy to approach strangers. When my beloved cat disappeared, I had no problem knocking on all the doors in my neighborhood and posting signs all over town.

8) You can also start a goal group or a discussion group of your own on a topic that interests you. Even if you have only a few people, that’s enough to begin - or even enough to continue if all are committed -  and everyone can approach others who might be interested. Talk to people you know and ask if they know anyone who might like to come; post a notice on local bulletin boards.

9) A variation on this theme is to decide to research some topic of interest to you that involves women. Then you have a reason to contact anyone who seems interesting and ask to interview them briefly.

10) Use this website to meet other women in two ways: a) by filling out your profile, posting classified ads, participating in the discussions and starting your own discussions; b) meet women locally by going to the referral link, downloading the posters advertising the site, and posting them in your area. Then search the profiles periodically for people in your area.

Once you make the decision to act and start moving toward your goal, you begin to build an energy that can carry you further and faster than you may expect.

Renewing a Contact

But just because you meet someone interesting in a group or class, or just by chance, doesn’t mean you will get to know the person well enough to find out whether you could become friends. What’s the next step?

1)  Rather than just saying, “Let’s get together sometime,” set up a meeting time for coffee or  lunch or to do a mutual errand together. But realize that friendship is a commitment - the other may truly not have the time to spend on getting to know another person. If you get a less-than-enthusiastic response, don’t take it personally. 

2)  If you meet someone you like, find out what a little about what she does—you may need her services yourself or be able to refer someone to her, which can be an opening for further contact.

3)  Be alert for contacts you make in places where you wouldn’t expect it. If you strike up a conversation about something you are informed about, offer to send more information, and then when you send the information or as a follow-up, suggest getting together. 

4)  If you are in some shared activity, make a point of commenting on another's work, her point of view, or a comment she made that affected you. A conversation may ensue that will reveal shared interests.

In Marla Paul’s book The Friendship Crisis, she details additional strategies a number of women use to take move the process along, and gives a lot of examples. One point she makes a number of times is that, no matter how desperate for contact you feel, don’t act needy. It makes people afraid you would be a “high-maintenance” investment they may not have time for. They will like you because they like you, not because you need a friend.

Some of these techniques sound like sales ploys - as if you are a marketer who has to sell yourself to prospective friends. Not so appealing, perhaps. If you are thinking, “I don’t want to have to convince anyone I am worth getting to know - anyway, they should be able to see my good qualities…”  Or, “Nobody here cares about me - it’s not worth the effort..." don't look at it that way.

Dependable, trustworthy friends are not an option, but a necessity. Modern life is too complicated to manage by ourselves. It's risky to be alone. So you want to have more intimate connections:  you commit yourself to actions that bring into your life the kind of people you want to know. A few well-chosen affirmations, like “I am surrounded by loving friends” or "Everything I do turns out much better than I anticipated" might also help reorganize your unconscious expectations of what is possible. Also check out Feeling Good  and The Promise of Energy Psychology for lavish instruction on reframing negative mental/emotional habits.

written by: Lisa Wagner

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