A Guide to Relishing the Solo Life
Barbara Feldon
2003

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Barbara Feldon, formerly the star of the TV spy show "Get Smart," has lived alone for over two decades. You might think that the life of an attractive and well-known actress  has so little to do with your life that there is no point in reading what she has to say - but you would be so wrong!

Feldon starts at the beginning and traces the road, with all its bumps and twists, that she took to arrive at contentment and pleasure in being single and living alone. This small book is full of wisdom and is a great companion if you're feeling lonely or you haven't quite mastered the knack of feeling comfortable and free on your own.

She describes her lonely dilemma when she found that for one reason or another practically all of her close friends were living different lifestyles or had moved out of town:

A trickle of relief came while having lunch with Leo, an older and very wise friend. When I confessed my loneliness he cheerfully suggested avenues for human warmth that I may have overlooked. For example, why didn't I recognize the dry cleaner or the grocer as fellow travelers who might populate the barren wastes?

"Because there's something missing," I explained. "They're strangers, there's no depth to the encounter. When you're with a loved one you feel held in life, secure, safe. The way I felt with my mother and grandfather when I was a child."

"But you're not a child and don't have a child's needs," he said without a trace of admonition. "A child is in danger without company because it's helpless, but an adult has access to any imaginable need: food, medicine, companionship. All an adult has to do is pick up the phone and call a doctor or drive to the supermarket or meet a friend for coffee."

I was startled by his remark and digested it for a moment before resisting further. "Even so, casual encounters with people can't get me that 'essential' connection that an intimate relationship can."

"Why not?"

That stopped me. For the first time I realized that I'd never considered giving people in passing that much importance. In my obsession with intimacy I hadn't paid much attention to the rest of the world.

"You're assigning all the magic you require in relationships to one or two people. What's to stop you from finding it among as many souls as you encounter? Or, better yet," he smiled, "giving up the idea of magic altogether (a jolting prospect!) and simply viewing the world as being full of any number of special people with whom you can connect - in a variety of ways."

"But what about this ache?" I placed my hand dramatically over my heart, "this longing that can only be relieved by a deep involvement?"

He looked at me sympathetically. "You believe," he said gently, "that there's something essential you don't have that's actually obtainable. What you long for doesn't exist, not anywhere. The ache is in the belief."

I realized I was looking for the perfect fix in one idealized person.

Then he asked if I'd heard the Zen story told by D.T. Suzuki about the man who is dying of thirst while standing in the middle of a river.
Pp. 22-24

Feldon is a wonderful companion on the journey of learning how to live happily by oneself and single, for those of us who were not born with the innate desire for that state. To "relish" the life one is living is a special form of happiness.  She's not lecturing, writing more books or producing CD's--she just wrote this lovely very personal book, and I'm so glad she did.

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