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Struggling with "Single?"
You might be completely unreconciled to your situation:
- recovering from the painful end of a relationship...
- confronting financial or family problems...
- feeling lonely or worried about your health.
By the time we reach age 50, for most of us, life has turned out to be more ambiguous and often more painful than we could have known, and we begin to realize that getting older for most people is an ever-evolving series of challenges. Women who are without a partner, in a couple-oriented culture, can get hit with some additional strong messages...
BEING SINGLE--THE DOWNSIDE
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Although the “old maid” stereotype has mostly fallen by the wayside, we are still seen as not quite whole if we are not validated by having a partner. |
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At worst, we can be seen as threats by other women who are with a partner - sometimes even those who consider themselves our friends. |
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Our coupled friends may not have time for us because their time and their relationship needs are already filled. |
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Single women are very often not included in social gatherings with couples because it is “awkward.” |
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One of the more common and disconcerting experiences of the newly-widowed or divorced woman is to watch most of her married friends gradually disappear from her life after the flurry of condolences is over. |
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As we get older, we are more likely to be targets of sexism and ageism if we are not coupled. |
And we have some real practical disadvantages:
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We don’t have a second income to rely on, or a second parent if we have kids. |
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We may have more difficulty forming the friendships with co-workers that make work enjoyable and lead to advancement, because our single status is seen as threatening. |
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We may not have a person who automatically will take us to the doctor, pick us up if the car breaks down, or help move the desk to the other side of the room. |
But most of all,
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We don’t have that intimacy with one person who has chosen us forever above all others -- which remains the powerful lure and the promise, however rarely fulfilled, of marriage.
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Being in a loving, committed, and mutually supportive relationship that allows each partner the freedom to grow is a rare and precious thing. It’s natural to long for that— that yearning may even be hardwired in our biology.
But that's not the whole story...
BEING SINGLE - THE INCREDIBLE BENEFIT!
Being single, however you arrive here, can be a state of mind that confers a powerful, secret gift:
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Outside of the often-constricting family systems that flourish in couple relationships, we have the freedom to grow in any direction that arises from within, by any means we can put into action.
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We have the opportunity to explore what autonomy means, to choose our own experiences, to make our journey into ourselves, toward others, and outward into the world without justification or explanation. |
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Finding and following that thread inward, which leads to the source of individual creativity and self-knowledge, is a prerequisite to growth and for coming to terms with ourselves before we die. |
How precious that is! And how much more challenging it can be to achieve when you are engaged in the dance of necessary compromises that all partner relationships require.
The pain and difficulties of life exist everywhere. “Equality” of race, class, gender, or age is still largely a distant dream. "Success" in a man's world often turns out to be lacking something essential for us.
But women in first-world countries have finally achieved unprecedented opportunity and freedom to explore our selves and our dreams privately, and to act to fulfill them in the world.
Let’s use it!
Imagine us looking forward with excitement and confidence to the rest of our lives--
- educated about how to stay healthy or regain our health
- secure in strong relationships with adult friends and with children
- considering deeply what we need and what we have to give
- and working passionately and courageously to achieve that.
When we were young, we knew nothing about how to live. Now we know a lot. Why leave the last third of our lives to chance?
We need only the confidence, the companions, and the tools to make this a deeply satisfying part of our journey.
Explore the resources on this site - if you like what you find, consider joining the Unconventional Woman community when it opens in 2008.
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Struggling with "Single?" 
